as lost as a soul

"one day i got lost, since then i've been going along without ever finding myself again.
like a soul in a space stolen from reality.
an imaginary immensity to lose itself forever."

i had a normal childhood,
raised by my grandmother and my mom.
my dad died nearly 2 decades ago,
my mom never wanted to find anyone else,
i don't blame her at all.

without a father figure,
with my mom working a lot as a nurse,
i've often been alone,
that forged in me many faculties :
a thirst for discovery,
about our world, its inhabitants, its cultures.
a love for making art,
a love for my creative imagination,
a love for nature.

but that forged also many burdens :
a kind of marginality with our society,
that brings me some of mental issues
who follow me
and many social barriers,
particularly friendships,
and i have some difficulty opening up,
to the professional world.

so i began lost myself in nature,
i felt in love with trekking and that helped me a lot.
lost myself in faraway places where nobody goes,
taking photos and spending my time.
i had the time and the means to learn
what i wanted to do and who i really was,
to become the human that i am now.

and when i return to work in my place,
my negative thoughts come back...

but i know,
you,
me,
don't have to shine.

it's mentally hard, every fucking day.
i feel almost alone anytime in fact,
i'm always under pressure,
and i feel lost with all my problems.

"it's quite hard to look good outside and feel sick inside.
it's quite hard to feel trapped while being free."

lost in our society,
lost in our world,
lost in my feelings
and in my thoughts,
lost in my artistic path,
lost in my wishes,
lost in this awful cycle
like an ant lost in a vast wood
and nearly,
lost as a soul.

every day i try,
try to make my brain better.

i move forward without ever knowing at all :
if tomorrow will be a better day
or just another one
where i'll feel lost.

"as lost as a soul" is a photograph series which brings together
my feelings of solitude, my mental health difficulties,
my treks, my adventures and my mixed media photography.

some little souls lost in immense paintings.

i explore these worlds of imaginary reality through my photos
which i try to work on like paintings,
using a range of mixed media technics and, sometimes,
some alternative photo processes.